Poetry, Pictures, and Rants, oh my!
Poetry, Pictures, and Rants, oh my!
I got a letter from my ex this morning. For those in the know, YES THAT EX. Despite being married for almost ten years (a week from today), and separated from the ass for almost five of those, the ex in prison is the one everyone knows. Just kind of like my non significant other being known as the current, when it’s a lot more complicated than that.
Since he vowed to stop talking to me last year, I haven’t heard much from him. And you know what? I’ve been more than okay with that. I wouldn’t or couldn’t have said anything nice to him if that was the case. I was dealing with my own stuff to have his complicate mine. He could have stayed away forever, and I would have been okay with that.
Seeing the letter jarred me. There will always be a part of me that believes I’m no better than that, than the ex who I will share that ten year anniversary, and no better than the non significant other. And then there is another part of me who would like to never have him breathe the same air as me, or live anywhere close.
I was contemplating what I was planning on saying to him when my roommate came home to let me know she saw the letter, and figured out it was HIM. Which lead to uncomfortable talk. What she did aside from worry about how he knew where she lived, to what my reaction was to this. She knew that I wanted to respond back no, but that would still leave him in control of the situation. It left the door opened if I said anything for him to guilt and beguile me. But to not respond to his letter… that was a more powerful answer. It meant you didn’t respond and give him the hope of more.
It’s going to take more willpower than I know I have, but I think she’s right. Let him realize I’m no longer at the mercy of his attention. This is my answer; silence.
23 years have passed since I’ve seen your lively face, yet not a day goes by that I don’t try to remember something of you, to keep the memory of you in my mind. I only have faint memories now; of you playing the accordion in the front yard as us kids danced to your music. You trying to kick one of us kids when we did something wrong, and accidentally hitting the leg of a chair that promptly broke, you telling me to bully someone back when we were talking about me getting bullied at school. You going into my band teacher’s office and telling her what you thought of her giving me my first F on my report card, you working hard at doing night school with a very depressed daughter, of you in the hospital as Shauna and I came in with our competition medals in our costumes, so proud. The night you told Shauna and I of the short time you had with us, and of the night before you left this world. Most days I can think on some of those things with a smile, because they tell me you were a hard working mother, willing to go to bat for your children when they needed it, someone who appreciated music and life as much as I do, and someone who was someone I’m proud to call Mom. I only hope I carry on your life through mine with part of the grace you had.
This year was especially hard, but you know, you were there beside me in spirit. While I don’t understand all the lessons that were thrown at me this year, I know that they are there for a reason, and like all things, the good, the bad and the rest will come to pass. Thank you for the journey. Just hope you don’t judge me too harshly if I screwed up; I can only make the decisions based on what I know, and without hearing your advice they have been my decision alone.
I really wish I had the chance to feel those arms around me in a hug. I wish for your advice and shoulder to cry on more times than I can count, but I wonder what your response would have been, haha. If you have half the temper I have heard you have…. well, it’s not good to dwell on what could have been… but it would make life interesting to speculate, no?
I will promise you this; I will try harder than I have been. I’ll be the fighter you need me to be, the daughter your husband deserves me to be, the Auntie your daughters and grand daughters hope me to be.
I love you with all I can Mom. I miss you and will see you again.
Standing on the edge of the sky, looking over the ledge,
Will my wings let me fly, Will my word be as good as my pledge?
And then I see you stand at my side, smiling that devilish smile.
And my neverousness goes out and hide, and I’m instantly beguile.
I take that first step, off to the deep abyus,
I feel your help, and it fills me with bliss.
Two as one we use your wings, and make our escape into the horizon,
I feel my heart begin to sing, and look towards the verizon.
I walk on clouds, I dance on air, basking in your warmth like the sun,
A breezy touch, hands in my hair, I feel your love, like you’re the one.
I’d give you my all, especially my heart, underlock and you hold the key,
It wasn’t until it was all torn apart, that my mind allowed me to see all there’s to see.
On the surface it cracks, underneath it chasms.
The feeling has gone, it’s what this thing lacks, and my heart, well it spasms.
One by one, it broke apart, the wings reduced it’s size,
I felt your essence depart, like I was no longer the prize.
And like I was plucked from the sky, I could no longer fly,
From love to not I ask you why, can all this be a pretty lie.
Like from space a rocket burn, oh when will I ever learn,
Despite the awful turn, I crave your touch, oh yes I yearn.
You my Icarus gave me light, you gave my wings the air in flight,
To always have you in my sight, for this I’d fight.
I know this is not what you desire, in your heart there’s another fire,
You’re in my heart, love never will retire, however for you I’ll be you’re liar.
Like a seductive lover, you call to the interparts of me,
Beckoning me like the sinful devil you really are.
I feel it in the deepest core of me,
Penatraiting like a steel velvet glove.
If I could fight against you.. oh why would I want to?
The white flag goes up, and I willingly surrender.
My body aches for your passion,
and I succumb to your desire.
At first glance, at first kiss,
At first touch, at first thrust
I had no choice, no never at all,
I was meant to be your partner, I was meant to be your slave.
Use me as you will, for it’s your hands I crave,
What’s mine is yours, my body on yours,
I can’t say no to you… oh why would I want to?
Your wish is my command.
Your hands molded my curves,
As I shivered down my spine,
I saw the satisfaction in your eyes,
No I never had a choice, no never at all.
I’m at the edge of my seat in awe and wonder
How the hell did this happen I do ponder,
Are my eyes playing some sort of trick,
As I look at the positive on the pee stick
Holy f—-ing s—t I say,
as the world around me begins to sway,
There is seriously no f—-ing way,
That I’m f—-ing pregnant on this very day.
I guess that there were signs that I could see,
Like in the middle of the night having to go pee,
My boobs where tender and my mood is too,
My insides are cramping and I feel like poo.
So what do I do, and who do I tell,
I feel like I’m alone in this 9th ring of hell,
Until I see the monitor of the ultrasound,
And then it hits me in a way that’s profound.
All that’s there is a centimeter of matter,
That makes my heart go pitter patter,
This is my miracle that’s inside,
it makes me happy it makes me cry.
It makes me wonder what could have been,
If only our situation was different then we’re in.
Would we have kept this bundle of joy,
Would it be a girl or would it be a boy?
My time with you will end too soon,
I know I’d love you to the moon,
But someday soon I’ll say goodbye,
And someday soon over you I’ll cry.
(The writing process can be a painful experience, especially when it concerns matters of the heart, especially when you come to the painful realization that you are misinformed as to what is real and what is not. Having an epiphany, I decided it’s time to write, and write I did. Just an FYI, there is probably about 5 different 4 lettered words that could be considered associated with this poem; two of them would surprise those who think they know me)
I really wish I was your fave,
Your touch, your closeness I jones, I crave,
You know just how to make me cave,
I can’t say no, I’m not that brave.
Call it what you will, friends with a benefit,
Has left me jaded, and want the end of it,
You are a drug to me, I’m addicted from each hit,
But at the of the day it’s left me in such a fit.
From that first touch you left me addicted,
The messages you send leave me conflicted,
Though we’re not together, you kept me restricted,
Unless it’s a benefit to you, just as predicted.
My introduction to those letters that you gave,
Hit me with a crash like a tidal wave,
You were my anchor, my save,
And all I was was your willing slave
Rose colored glasses of yesterday’s past,
Started to fade, not meant to last,
Not sure when the spell that you cast,
Had started to break but break it did fast.
I know when you look at me, I know you see her,
The one in your heart of hearts you would prefer,
To ask of why you always deter,
Unless its to prove a point then always, sure.
Who could predict those four letters would spell the end,
Would change the course of our lives my friend,
Those letters can’t exactly be unsend,
And can’t put this heart on mend
I’ll always wish I was your fave,
It’s your touch I’ll always crave,
I hope our friendship is worth the save,
For every time we meet I’ll pretend I’m brave.
It gets harder and harder each time I see you, to let you go.
Not having that much courage, I’ll never let you know.
Each touch, each kiss is like a balm for this broken heart,
Each time I go to leave you, it breaks it back apart.
I’m now upon this crossroads, invisible to your eye,
To stay here or to leave here, I feel I’m going to die.
To tell you the truth would set me free but bring me complications,
Because I’m not sure it would change this path, our final destinations.
I’d hate to lose what I perceive, this benefit of you as a friend,
But feelings like this when not reciprocated take a downward trend.
Now should I be wrong, I have been before, it would be a lovely surprise.
But if I were right, what would be so much worse, would be a pretty little lie.
So here I’m torn, do I tell or do I hide,
This feeling of love I feel inside,
Do I turn away and never come back,
Into your arms, oh heart attack?!
Someday soon, I will move on,
Because one day soon you will be gone,
Please be kind to me when you do,
Or our friendship will soon be gone too.